The summer after I turned twelve, we had to stay at my grandmother's house so we could save up enough money to move to California.
I met Wayne that summer. His family just moved from Jamaica and owned a house around the corner from my Grandmother's house in Queens. I could see his backyard from her backyard. I used to sit at the window in the back of her house and watch him.
We sneaked into a very dark and damp basement. The air was thick with musk. There was no music or candlelight. There were no rose petals. There was however, a pee stained twin bed that did not have any sheets on it.
And then it was over. Just like that. He was thirteen and I was twelve. What the hell did we know about intimacy? My first time was sad and it hurt like hell!
I am tempted to stop typing and go to sleep. I really don't want to think about how low my self esteem was back then. I was tall and awkward. I had buck teeth from sucking my thumb. I was VERY skinny. My hair was short and nappy. No one ever told me that I was pretty, why would I think so? I did know that I was smart, but he was not interested in my brain.
He wanted my self. So, there in that dark, damp, musty basement, I willingly gave my self to him. He did hold my hand and walk me back around the corner to my Grandmother's house. He kissed me goodnight told me I was his girl.
For two days we played house.
Then on the third day, he called my Grandmother's house and broke my heart. He told me it was over and that he started going out with a girl named Andrea. She went to his school.
She wore braces and was graceful. She had boobs and good hair. I'm sure everyone told her she was pretty. I am sure she knew she was pretty.
I'm sure her mother did not give her a book about sex and expect her to figure it out on her own, like mine did.
I am sure that her parents sat her down and told her how special her self was and that she did not have to give her self to boys to make them like herself.
I am sure they told her not to look to anyone outside of herself for happiness. I am sure they told her to look within herself for that. I am sure of this because she did not give away her self to him and that made him want her more.